The Headworker

It’s not revolutionary to point out that we all have hundreds of different voices in our heads vying for attention. TV ads, billboards, magazines, Facebook, Twitter, the radio, branded clothing, food packaging, instagram (the list goes on) are all trying to get us to think in a certain way. Whether it’s the cosmetics company telling us we need to make our eyelashes look longer, or our Facebook feed telling us our life isn’t as fun/successful/creative/neat/perfect as everyone elses – there are lots of voices to filter through. But for some people, the voice that is louder than everything else and the voice that starts to feel like it’s your own is that of their abuser.

Continuing our series on the Dominator, the persona that we are featuring in this article is The Headworker. This persona is one that gets into your head, to manipulate the way you think, feel and therefore act.

How does a Headworker gain and maintain power and control over their victim?

The Headworker uses emotional abuse to make their victim feel worthless and stupid. They make their victim feel so worthless and stupid that they don’t believe that they could survive without them or that they would ever find anyone else that would want to be in a relationship with them.

Some of the tactics that the Headworker uses include:

  • Puts you down. The Headworker loves to use humour to make their victim feel bad. They make jokes at the victims expense and will exclaim ‘Can’t you take a joke?!’ if they complain. They will make jokes about you or criticize you infront of friends and family in order to shame and embarrass you. They will make sexist jokes (for example about female drivers, or a women’s role being in the kitchen) to undermine your abilities and talents. They may have a nickname for you that is demeaning that they claim to be a term of endearment. They may just never use your name but call you things like ‘babe’, ‘princess’ or ‘woman’. They may call you offensive names and belittle our worth.
  • Tells you you’re too fat, too thin, ugly etc. The Headworker wants to make their victim feel worthless and unattractive. They will tell their victim that they are fat and ugly so often that the even the thinnest person will start to believe it to be true. They will do this even when their victims are pregnant. They will make their victim feel sexually repulsive, especially when compared to other women on the TV or that they know. Each time that person comes on the TV, they will use to remind you that you aren’t as attractive as them.
  • Makes you think you’re going mad. Moving or hiding objects, denying having said something, changing goal posts and telling us we are saying things in our sleep are ways that the Headworker will make you doubt your own sanity and reliability. He will say that you are upset because of PMS or because you are clinically depressed.
  • Turn agencies against you. The Headworker will discredit you to other agencies such as the police, social services, the doctor etc in order to prevent you from presenting as a victim of abuse. He will manipulate situations to try and make you appear mentally ill to them in order to have a better chance of getting custody over the children or keeping the house. For example The abuser says to his wife “Quick! Call the police there are burglars in the attic!” She does so and when the police come he asks them who called them and apologises on her behalf. “Sorry, she is always doing things like this.” *

The Headworker gets inside your head until their voice is the loudest and through repetition, volume and lack of alternative, you start to believe the narrative they are presenting you with.

What to do if you’re living with a Headworker

If you’re living with a Headworker then please know that the things they say to you are not true. You are not stupid, ugly or worthless. You deserve better and can have better. As we state in each of these articles, the dynamic between each abuser and their victim is unique and so it would be irresponsible to write our ‘top tips for dealing with headworkers’ in this article. Instead our advice is to please visit one of our One Stop Shop or Drop In services where one of our experienced and friendly team members will listen to your story and work with you to stay safe and, if you want to, become free from the abusive relationship. In the mean time, here are a few tips for staying safe with a Headworker:

  • Until you have worked with a professional to create a plan for how to leave the relationship safely, avoid letting them know you are thinking of doing this. Any signs of you taking back control may cause the abuser to escalate their methods of power and control.
  • Each time your abuser puts you down, ask yourself if what they say is true, or whether they are just saying it to gain control over you. Ask yourself what evidence they have for what they have said. Tell yourself that what they have said is a lie and then tell yourself the truth (which is probably the opposite).
  • Find some positive voices to listen to. What do the people that truly love and care for you say about you? If there are other people in your life that say the same thing as your abuser, then it’s probably time to stop listening to them.
  • Try and do some things that make you feel good about yourself.
  • Try and avoid communicating with agencies on behalf of your abuser as you can’t trust them to confirm that what you said is what they asked you to say. Try and have meetings with your doctor or social worker etc without your abuser present.
  • If your abuser is trying to make you feel or appear mentally unwell, start documenting things to show the reality of a situation.
  • If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 999.

Lots of us long for rest-bite from the modern world and all it’s demands. We all need space and time where our mind isn’t bombarded with text messages, media feeds and phone calls. If you’re living with a Headworker then you need some rest-bite from the voice of your abuser and some peace from the poison that they feed into your ear. Contact us today and let us help you find your own voice again.


*Example taken from the Freedom Programme facilitator handbook

The Jailer

The Jailer:

Jail-break stories seem to have a timeless appeal. Whether it’s The Great Escape, Shawshank Redemption, Chicken Run or Prison Break – something in us loves to root for people as they break free from their cells. No matter whether their incarceration was justified or not, we always believe in the inmate’s fight for freedom. Despite the fact they are just doing their job and keeping civilians safe, we always hate the guards who keep the inmate captive and work against their escape.

This article is continuing our ‘Dominator’ series on the various aspects of domestic abuse by looking at the persona of ‘The Jailer’. Abusers who assume this persona are like the corrupt prison officers we love to hate in films – they are power mad, destructive, manipulative and hell-bent on taking away their prisoners liberty. The main difference is their ‘prisoner’ is not a convicted criminal enduring just punishment, but an innocent victim of abuse.

 How does a jailer gain and maintain power and control over their victim?

A jailer uses isolation to control their victim. A jailer will be vigilant in checking mileage on cars, bank statements and your phone. They will tell lies, manipulate and deliberately sabotage things to keep you isolated. Some of the tactics a jailer may use are:

  • Stops you from working and seeing friends: having a job and relationships with people promotes independence. You don’t have to rely on someone financially or relationally if you have other options. Working and having friends maintains confidence, self-esteem and individuality as well as broadening your horizons. Interaction with and exposure to others enables you to measure your own experiences against the norm in order to see the truth of them. All of these things work against the Jailer’s objective of keeping their victim wholly dependent and submissive to them. The last thing they want is for you to have your own money or for you to have friends to turn to or who encourage you in your worth as a human being. It’s better for your jailer for you to have nowhere to turn and no belief in your ability to survive without them. The Jailer may prevent you from working by convincing you to let him take care of you, by wearing down your self-esteem or by causing you to loose your job. They may prevent you from seeing friends by outright banning it, or more subtly by causing division, manufacturing conflict or being so unpleasant that no-one wants to come round.
  • Tells you what to wear. One Jailer might insist his victim stays in tracksuit bottoms and baggy jumpers – stating he doesn’t trust his victim to not have sex with other men if they look attractive, or even that they simply aren’t attractive so they don’t deserve to wear nice clothes. Another Jailer might insist his victim wears provocative or revealing clothes, to make them exposed, vulnerable and only good for one thing. Whatever the clothing requirements, this tactic is used as another way to take away the freedom and liberty of the victim. Just as prison inmates have to wear standard-issue clothing to remind them that they are at the bottom of the chain and have no access to rights and individuality, the Jailer enforces their own dress code to the same affect.
  • Keeps you in the house. This is quite literally imprisonment, which could be enforced both physically or psychologically. A Jailor may lock their victims in the house or hide car keys to physically keep someone in the house. Or they may make their victim so afraid that they stay put when told to do so, or they may make them feel that the only place they are safe is in the house. Or they may refuse to look after your children so you have to stay at home with them. A Jailer knows that their jurisdiction can’t extend everywhere, so they make their victim stay in the place where they wield the most power.
  • Seduces your friends/family. To everyone else the Jailer can appear to be Mr Charming. He is friendly, funny and familiar. He wins your friends and family’s affection as well as (subtly) their loyalty. So when he turns off the charm behind closed doors, you doubt that anyone will believe you when you try to confide in them. No one gets suspicious when communication begins to flow through him, or when he tells them that you’ve stayed at home with a ‘headache’.

What to do if you’re living with a jailer

If you’re living with a jailer then please know there is a way for you to break free. You do not have to continue living in captivity. As we state in each of these articles, each abusive relationship is so unique it would be irresponsible to write our ‘top tips for dealing with jailers’ in this article. Instead our advice is to please visit one of our One Stop Shop or Drop In services where one of our experienced and friendly team members will listen to your story and work with you to stay safe and, if you want to, become free from the abusive relationship. In the mean time, here are a few tips for staying safe with a jailer:

  • Until you have worked with a professional to create a plan for how to leave the relationship safely, avoid letting them know you are thinking of doing this. Any signs of you taking back control may cause the abuser to escalate their methods of power and control.
  • Try to maintain contact with people outside of your relationship. Don’t trust everything your abuser says about them – including what he says they have said about you or done to him. If it’s possible and safe to do so, consider getting a second mobile phone that he doesn’t know about.
  • If possible make copies of important documentation such as passports, bank documents, rental/mortgage agreements etc and hide them somewhere so that if you leave you have copies of all these.
  • Do what you can to maintain independence, even if it’s only small things. This is important to help you maintain your individuality, to have a support network and to maintain your self-esteem.
  • Confide in someone you trust.
  • If you or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 999.

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of relief when a prisoner escapes the guards and breaks free. If you’re living with a Jailer then you could enjoy that feeling of relief for real. Remember you haven’t done anything wrong, there is no possible crime you could have committed which would justify your being imprisoned by a partner. Please contact us so that we can help you begin your journey towards freedom today.

In our next article in the Dominator series, we will looking at the persona of The Headworker.

Support to Court Job Vacancy


SATEDA are thrilled to be recruiting a Support2Court Coordinator to oversee a brand new project following the award of a grant from the Tampon Tax.

The purpose of the role is to design and develop a project which supports victim/survivors of domestic abuse to attend court during child arrangement order hearing and to obtain protective civil orders, such as Non-Molestation Orders and Occupation Orders. The support will be available across Medway, Maidstone and Canterbury courts.

To find out more please visit our vacancies page here.

The Bully


In our last blog post ‘The Dominator’ we outlined the fact that domestic abuse perpetrators take on a number of different personas and use a number of different tactics to dominate their victim. Over the next few months we will be devoting a blog post to each of these, and this month we will be looking at The Bully.

The dictionary defines a bully as: “A person who uses strength or influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.” We’ve all come across a few bullies in our time-I’m sure that right now we can think of someone. Whether it was in the school playground/corridors, in your social circle or your work place, bullies are (sadly) everywhere. But imagine living with your bully. Most of us who have come across bullies have been able to escape their influence once the school bell rings or we clock-off for the night. Even people who have grown up living with a bully parent can one day move out. But to be bullied by the person you have committed to being with – either through marriage, verbal declarations, housing arrangements or having kids together – and from whom there seems to be no easy escape is another thing entirely. But this is the reality for many victims of domestic abuse.


How does a bully gain and maintain power and control over their victim?

A bully’s main weapon is physical intimidation which causes their victim to fear for their physical safety. Even if physical violence has never occurred, there is always a looming threat that it could occur at any moment in time. Bullies can be seen in business suits and tracksuits, they can be seen with briefcases and bulldogs and can be seen as physically imposing or physically weak. It is not simply the externals that decide on whether someone is a bully, but how they use them. Both the contents of a briefcase and a bulldog could be used to intimidate someone. Equally, they could be used to protect someone, or bring them encouragement or joy.


Some of the tactics that a bully might use include:


  • Glares: The beauty of a glare for a perpetrator is that it can be delivered across a crowded room and both the glare and the danger it implies is only noticeable by the victim. No one can be arrested, taken to court or accused of domestic abuse because of a glare right? But that glare can cause a victim to stop in their tracks, shut down conversations or change their behaviour in an instant. Because a glare holds a lot of promise – the promise of retribution, increased anger and violence if it isn’t appeased.


  • Shouts: There aren’t many things that intimidate me, but someone shouting at me really does. The idea of someone’s aggression, hatred and violent intent being forcefully channelled in my direction is not a pleasant one. I’d probably do anything to diffuse the situation and stop the violence escalating from intent to actual. This is exactly what a bully counts on when they shout at or around their victim – pushing them into submission and compliance in order to diffuse the escalating aggression.


  • Smashes things: Again, a bully counts on their victim desiring to diffuse this display of violence and aggression before it destroys more possessions or gets turned on the victim themselves. The perpetrator may not want anything more from their victim in that moment than the knowledge that they are dangerous and should be submitted to in the future if they want to avoid further and potentially worse displays of aggression.


  • Sulks: When a dominant character sulks, it affects the atmosphere of the whole room and everyone is deeply aware of the volatile mood of that person. Everyone around them walks on egg shells and desperately avoids rocking the boat, which for a victim of domestic abuse inevitably means relenting to the desires and demands of their perpetrator, often at great personal cost.


What to do if you’re living with a bully

If you’re in a relationship with a bully then please know that there is a way out. You do not have to continue being their victim. Each abusive relationship is so unique that it would be irresponsible to write our ‘top tips for dealing with bullies’ in this article, and the reality is that you will never be able to get a bully to stop being a bully. Instead our advice is to please visit one of our drop in or One Stop Shop services where one of our experienced and friendly team members will listen to your story and work with you to stay safe and, if you want to, become free from the abusive relationship. In the mean time, here are a few tips for staying safe with a bully:

  • Until you have worked with a professional to create a plan for how to leave the relationship safely, avoid letting them know you are thinking of doing this. Any signs of you taking back control may cause the abuser to escalate their methods of power and control.
  • If a challenging conversation of any nature is unavoidable, make sure they take place in a room in the house where you have a clear escape route. Somewhere with more than one exit would be ideal.
  • If you have someone you can talk to about your relationship, establish a code word that you can either send in a text or say over the phone and they will know to come round or phone the police.
  • Keep a log of all instances of abuse and photograph any evidence of physical violence. This could be very helpful if the situation ever went to the police or court.
  • If you or anyone else are is any danger, call 999 immediately.


The main thing to remember when living with a Bully is that their power does not extend as far as they want you to think is does. There are safe ways to get out from under a Bully, so please get in touch with us and we can help you begin your journey to freedom.


In our next article in the Dominator series, we will looking at the persona of The Jailer.

Project Iris

Project Iris is an programme which works with GPs as a referral and training support programme.  This service doesn’t currently operate in Swale but SATEDA are aiming to lead on the provision, subject to funding.

We’re asking all GP’s and practice managers to register their interest so we can approach the commissioners with a view to securing the funding.  Please send us your details via our contact page.

Fore more information on Project IRIS, please follow this link and download the documents below:

GP letter


IRIS_strategic relevance_ summary_June 2017

If you would like to get in touch with Carey, our project lead, to discuss this further, please get in touch with us using the form below:

“It’s not like he’s hit her or anything”

Working for a domestic abuse charity seems to make people want to tell you about the relationships of women they care about. Sometimes it’s simply because they just don’t like the guy, sometimes they have some genuine concerns about behavioural changes they have noticed in their friend/relative. But after reeling off a list of examples of misconduct, they are often all undermined with the summarising statement ‘but it’s not like he’s violent or anything…’

Despite a growing awareness that abuse doesn’t always mean bruises, we STILL wait for physical violence before we think there is anything serious going on. For many of us, physical violence is the straw that breaks the camels back. Only physical violence warrants attention and intervention. However, for many victims of abuse, physical violence never features in the terrorism that they are subjected to, or if it does, it is a sign of the situation dangerously escalating. Not that I’ve read it, but I’m sure that in ‘A dummy’s guide to camelling’, it advises to stop piling on straw on the animal way before it’s back breaks.

At SATEDA we run the Freedom Programme, a course designed for victims and survivors of domestic abuse. It recognises that physical violence is only once aspect of abuse and focuses on the idea of the abuser being ‘The Dominator’ and looks at the various personas the abuser can have. Pat Craven, who designed the course, says:

“When I was a Probation Officer I ran courses for male ‘perpetrators’ of violence against women and children. For two years I sat among groups of men who had injured, raped or killed their victims. I realised that abusive men use a range of tactics to control women… they decide to use violence when they realise that their other tactics are failing”

Pat Craven has identified the following 8 perpetrator personas:

-The Bully

-The Jailer

-The Headworker

-The Sexual Controller

-The King of the Castle

-The Bad Father

-The Liar

-The Persuader

An abuser may only use tactics belonging to one or two of these personas, or they may use all of them. They may never use physical violence or may do so on a daily basis. However, whatever the tactics or persona, it is never acceptable for a persons liberty, rights and wellbeing to be negatively impacted by the deliberate behaviour of another person who is seeking to dominate them. It is never acceptable for a person to be systematically terrorised by another.

Over the next few months, we will be releasing blog posts featuring each of the eight persona’s mentioned above, looking at their tactics and what to do to stay safe if you come across one.

As a parting challenge, let’s agree to never use the phrase ‘but it’s not like he’s violent or anything…’ again. Let’s not neutralise or minimise abuse just because it’s not physical. Let’s instead call a spade a spade and acknowledge abuse when we see it.

Are you wearing the right lenses?

Politics and electoral campaigning is all about us making a judgment about a person. Are they a good person? A good ambassador for the country? A good leader? A good politician? Someone with good policies? When I am considering who to give my vote to in a general election, I will make my judgements by looking at them through particular lenses: politics, leadership and character for example. These are the lenses appropriate for the job I am looking to them to do. By comparison, if I were to vote for someone to win the XFactor, I would be looking at them through the lenses of talent and of my own musical preferences. I don’t need to know their stance on the EU, carbon emissions or tuition fees to judge their ability produce a good album, so I wouldn’t need to look at them through my political lens-it wouldn’t be appropriate or fair.

During the recent election campaign, all party leaders were viewed and judged through the appropriate lenses outlined above. Apart from Theresa May, who was also judged through an additional lens- her gender, making her fight even harder than her male counterparts. Don’t believe me? Here are four pieces of evidence:

Exhibit A: ‘Legs-it’

A corker of a piece of sexist broadcasting from the Daily Mail published a picture of May and Sturgeon at the Brexit talks with the headline “Never mind Brexit, who won Legs-it?!” with the sub heading: “Oh so frosty! Secrets of Nicola and PM’s talk-in”. This not only reduced two of the most powerful people in the country to nothing more than sexualized objects, but likened their politically significant talks to a scene out of The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills or a teenage sleep over.

This piece used Theresa May’s gender to comment on, undermine and belittle both her position and her work. It seems the Daily Mail cannot allow a woman to look like a credible leader or professional.

Exhibit B: Her well documented fashion choices.

On the day she announced the general election, the Telegraph ran a piece about the dress she was wearing, suggesting that it was her new ‘lucky dress’. Apparently the fact that she was wearing a new dress meant that she had to be about to make a big announcement, and of course a woman would need to gain confidence from their clothing, rather than their brains. May herself has said ‘You can be clever and like clothes. You can have a career and like clothes’. We don’t see men needing to let us all know that you can be clever and have a career and like football/beer/other stereotypical male pastime.

Yes, Corbyn’s outfits have received attention, but because he was being scruffy, and through the lens of politics, it didn’t make him look like a serious political candidate. Apart from this, there has been no wide-spread media coverage of another candidate’s outfits.

Exhibit C: Theresa May carrying the weight of ‘Women in Politics’.

This headline from the Independent saying ‘Theresa May’s incompetence has set women in politics back decades’ is, in my view completely unfair. Despite the fact that time after time we’ve had male leaders who have disappointed us, they have never been held accountable for the public’s opinion of their entire gender. They have never carried the weight of every other male’s credibility in politics. We’re never led to assume that every male politician has a sex-scandal in their closet just because a (relatively high) number of others have.

Additionally, this statement implies that every future female candidate will be judged based on the flaws of the women who have come before them. They will be starting in the red whilst their male counterparts start in the black.

Exhibit D: She has had to justify why she doesn’t have children.

Time and time again, May has been asked to discuss why she doesn’t have children. Instead of being able to discuss matters of government, she has had a painful part of her personal life probed. She has repeatedly been asked to justify the fact that she hasn’t had children through circumstance rather than choice-because we would deeply mistrust a woman who chose not to have children. She has been asked if she were a mum, would that make her a better/worse Prime Minister. Female candidates are consistently having to publicly address the way they balance home and work in a way that men never do.


We don’t judge male politicians through the lens of gender. We don’t look at Corbyn, Farron, or Farage and judge them as males – we simply judge them as politicians and human beings. Think what you like about Theresa May’s policies, her actions as Prime Minister or even her personality. But don’t judge her as a politician or Prime Minister through the lens of her gender – it’s not appropriate and it’s not fair.

Wolves in Sheep’s clothing.

It’s fairly old news that certain genres of music are full of lyrics that are quite openly and obviously misogynistic, demeaning and violent towards women. I like to think that I’m pretty switched onto this and sensor my music accordingly. I went to a Maroon 5 concert a couple of years ago and was the one person sat down with my arms crossed whilst Robin Thicke supported them with his gem of a song ‘Blurred Lines’. I avoid artists like Eminem, Snoop Dog, Rhianna and the plethora of artists that we all know are less than on point when it comes to gender and sexual ethics.

But whilst I’ve been sat up on my high horse, listening to my power ballads, love songs and sugary pop music, I haven’t been able to shake the niggling thought that this type of music might not be much better. Sure, no one is calling anyone a you-know-what or explicitly celebrating sexual assault, but there is a fine line between romantic and creepy. And the danger is that some alarming attitudes and beliefs hidden in these romantic/lovey dovey/sugary lyrics are just that – hidden. We find ourselves singing along, letting our attitudes be shaped by them without even noticing. They are like wolves in sheep’s clothing, luring you in with their sweet, fluffy exterior before they bite.

Here are a few examples:

-‘Every Breath You Take’, Sting

At first glance, this song could be seen as a wildly romantic statement of commitment However the entire song’s lyrics (sampled below), are uncomfortably reminiscent of threats/experiences that our clients endure at the hands of their perpetrators.

Every breath you take / Every move you make / Every bond you break / Every step you take / I’ll be watching you / Every single day / Every word you say / Every game you play / Every night you stay / I’ll be watching you / Oh can’t you see / You belong to me

-‘She Will Be Loved’, Maroon 5.

I happily sang along with this song after dutifully rejecting Robin Thicke. But upon closer inspection this song seems to be an instruction manual of how to take advantage of vulnerable 18 year-old girls. He drives for miles and miles to wind up at her door– how sweet –because ‘I’ve had you so many times, but somehow I want more’. Oh, not so sweet. And if she’s not up for it, he’ll just wait on her corner, even in the pouring rain, presumably until she relents. Also, the advice to all men out there is to look out for girls with a ‘broken smile and ask her if she wants to stay a while’.

-‘You’re Having My Baby’, Paul Anka.

Confession: I actually know this song from the Glee sound track, where it was sung by a 16 year old guy, sweetly vowing to stand by the girl he’d got pregnant. But the song promotes an entirely possessive view point. The woman in question is having HIS baby, as a way of proving her love to Him. Pregnancy is a common tool for an abuser. To have a pregnant victim can mean that their perceived dependency, obligation and loss of self. This lyric is dangerous as it fuels the notion that impregnating women is a man’s stamp of ownership and a way of proving loyalty.

-‘Saving All My Love For You’, Whitney Houston

This is seen as one of the greatest love songs of all time. But it’s actually about a woman having an affair as a married man. The man strings poor Whitney along, promising her more than he is ever going to deliver, just so that he can have his cake and eat it too. But even more dangerous is that this experience is romanticised by Whitney, making it seem ok to a) have an affair with someone else’s spouse and b) settle for the tid-bits of a mans affection as and when he wants to give it.

-‘I’ll Keep Waiting’, S Club 7.

Even squeaky clean S Club 7, whose primary market was school children have some lyrical skeletons in their closet. In this song, Bradley ‘raps’ ‘Hey girl, it’s just a matter of time, before you come on home and I get what’s mine / Damn it girl, why can’t you see, it’s not over for you and me’. The girl in question is clearly stupid, one day she will see the light, realise that she literally belongs to Bradley, that the choice isn’t hers to make and will return him, giving him what is rightfully his.

– ‘Father Figure’, George Michael

The lyrics of the chorus could lead you to believe that this is a simply lovely song about adoption: Greet me with the eyes of a child / I will be your father figure/ Put your tiny hand in mine / I will be your preacher teacher…I’m gonna love you till the end of time.

But confusion comes when George also invites them to be bold, warm and naked with him, to be his lover. This song is either a blantant piece of evidence of child abuse (although ironically he’s ‘had enough of crime’), or an attempt to significantly un-balance the power dynamic in the relationship. The subject is painted as inexperienced, vulnerable to his influence and in need of his protection. 

– ‘Black Heart’, Stooche.

This one hit the charts in 2013 and with it’s catchy melody was a popular choice on the radio. But the lyrics of the chorus are particularly alarming: ‘Daddy I’ve fallen for a monster / Somehow he’s scaring me to death / He’s big and he’s bad / I love him like mad / Momma, he’s the best I ever had / Daddy I’ve fallen for a monster / He got a black heart.

The song doesn’t even seem to suggest that any of this is a bad thing, or a reason to get out of the relationship asap. Instead it glamourizes and normalises the behaviour of a monster, who is scaring his partner to death. Great.


I don’t want to be a party pooper. I don’t want you to stop enjoying the music you enjoy and limiting yourself to instrumental music and nursery rhymes. I’m sure you could argue that you that many of these lyrics weren’t intended in the way I have interpreted them. You’re probably right. But I just want to encourage us to start thinking about the lyrics we are unconsciously singing, to once in a while look at them through the lens of unhealthy relationships and gender inequality and consider whether there is a wolf hiding underneath the sheepskin. We need to question the things we are singing/listening to and the way it then makes us view, think and feel about relationships. Because actually I don’t want someone watching every move, step and breath that I take and I certainly don’t want someone with a black heart who scares me to death!

If you’ve discovered some wolves in sheeps clothing, then let us know in the comments!

Sign up to our mailing list to receive monthly emails featuring our latest blog and other news.

Some actual good news.

Amidst the torrent of bad, unsettling, depressing and even ‘fake’ news there has been a glimmer of light: in April a bill was passed to timetable the government to ratify (make official) the Istanbul Convention – the gold standard in legislation for the protection of women and girls from gender-based violence.

This significant victory in the battle to secure the protection of women and girls was some of the best news we’ve had in a while!

IC Change, group who have been leading the campaign have released this statement to explain why this is good news:

The bill’s successful passage through the Commons and Lords marks one of the greatest political achievements for the safety of women in history. The government must now report on its progress to bring other areas of the law in line with the terms of the Istanbul Convention.


A Bill to timetable the ratification of the Istanbul Convention, the gold standard in legislation against all forms of gender-based violence including so-called “honour crimes” and FGM, has successfully passed its third reading at the House of Lords. This means it will soon be passed into law and require the Government to provide progress reports on the implementation of the Istanbul Convention.


Rachel Nye, co-director of IC Change, said: “We are thrilled at the success of the Bill at third reading. It is a testament to the hard work of Dr Eilidh Whiteford and the team of cross party MPs who have supported it along the way. We look forward to this Bill becoming law and seeing progress towards the end goal – the ratification of the Istanbul Convention.


“We do this campaigning in our spare time. We do it because we are acutely aware of the impact violence against women has on our society. Many excellent services exist to support women and to tackle the root causes of these problems, but without a government-led, joined up approach, we are not achieving our full potential and women remain at risk.”


Cat*, a survivor who campaigns with IC Change, emphasised just how much this news means to British women: “Having witnessed the impact of abuse on my mother, and finding out my sister endured an abusive relationship I realised that these things don’t happen in isolation. I was also raped, and I experienced everyday sexism and harassment on an almost daily basis from the age of 12. To change this, we need to an approach which joins up the dots and tackles the root causes of abuse.”


On 16th December 2016 and again on 24th February, 135 MPs from across all parties voted* in favour of the bill in the House of Commons. This legislation is needed because, on average, two women in England and Wales are killed every week by a current or former male partner and at least one in five women has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16.[1]


The UK Government signed a commitment to seeing it through almost five years ago, but the government have so far failed to honour their promise.


SNP MP Dr Eilidh Whiteford MP originally put forward the bill, preventing and Combating Violence Against Women and Domestic Violence (ratification of Convention) 2016-17.


Dr Eilidh Whiteford MP, who brought forward the Bill, said: “I brought forward this Bill because the Istanbul Convention has the potential to change the lives of women in my own constituency of Banff and Buchan, across the whole of the UK and also globally. The Convention is the gold standard for legislation to prevent and combat violence against women and girls, and domestic violence. 
”Since I started the process of bringing forward this Bill in June 2016, the Government have moved quite significantly – with the PM committing to overseeing new legislation on domestic violence. This could be, if the Government want it to be, the legislative vehicle to bring the UK into full compliance with the convention, paving the way for ratification.
”I’m very pleased to have been able to steer through legislation, but it’s only the beginning. Now we’ll be holding the Government to account on their report and timetable for ratification. I won’t stop this work until the UK ratifies the Istanbul Convention.”


This Bill also had backing from women’s organisations across the country including all federations of Women’s Aid, Rape Crisis, and Southall Black Sisters”.

For more information visit

Sign up to our mailing list to receive monthly emails featuring our latest blog and other news.

Look beyond the violence: coercive control

A couple of week ago I was able to experience a lecture by Evan Stark, author of ‘Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life’. I say “experience” as oppose to listened to, because a lecture by Evan Stark is a performance, which touches the part of your brain where inspiration lives. Everything Evan said got me thinking, “Yes! That’s exactly right!” and left me wanting to work even harder for victims and survivors of domestic abuse. I want to share some of those “light bulb” moments with you, so you may also feel inspired to help make a difference and force some change for the better.

Evan asked us to “look beyond the violence”. He explained that in our law system, crimes are punished based upon their seriousness. In terms of violence, the level of harm to the victim determines the level of punishment. He told us that typically, day-to-day domestic abuse incidents do not result in criminal offences that are punishable at a very high level. The persistent and unrelenting day-to-day assaults upon a woman, in her own home, dished out by the person who she should be able to trust, do not reach a level of seriousness which would constitute a heavy prison sentence, unless they are recognised in context. Unless they are recognised as a “course of conduct,” intended to erode any sense of self of the victim, intended to imprison the victim within the relationship, intended to remove any liberties that the rest of society are able to enjoy, and ultimately, intended to coercively control every single aspect of the victim’s life.

This is coercive control and coercive control is now a criminal offence.

Coercive control is the reality of day-to-day life for many women.

Imagine not having a choice about any aspect of your life: what to wear, what to eat, what time to get up, what time to go to bed. Imagine waking every-day, making a promise to yourself that you will do whatever is needed to stay out of the firing line of your husband/partner. Imagine then finding out that the rules of the game have changed, and that you don’t know what to do to stay out of his firing line because he has moved the goal posts. Everything you do is wrong.

Imagine that you are also trying to protect your children from experiencing this abuse – and it’s not enough to say they are ‘witnessing’ the abuse – they live within this environment, so they too are experiencing the abuse that their mother is subjected to– even if they are not physically harmed or directly targeted.

Imagine that you have professionals telling you that you are failing to protect your children by staying in this relationship, that you are not putting their needs before your own because you are choosing to stay with your abuser. They tell you that if you were a good mother you would be going into a refuge, away from your home, from your friends (if you have any left – chances are your abuser has worked his magic and got rid of them already), away from your community and the only sense of control you feel you have over your life.

Imagine, that you do manage to end the relationship, only to be told by the family courts that your husband has rights of contact with your children, and if you don’t uphold the court order for contact you will be punished. They say in court that you are the problem, he is only violent to you, so if you aren’t there the children will be fine. They take into account the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder you have been left with following the years of beatings and mind games and they wonder if the children might be better off with their dad, who has a good job and no mental health problems….

This is the reality for the women SATEDA supports.

This is not about violence alone, this is about the systematic erosion of a person’s sense of self. This is “intimate terrorism,” a human rights crime of liberty, which every single agency, and every single professional who works with victims of abuse and their families needs to “get”. Whether your focus is the children, the crime, the housing situation, the mother, the family law, YOU have a duty to understand the complexities and the nuances of what women who are coercively controlled are living with. Otherwise the victim will be re-victimised by the system that is meant to be in place to support her.

Spare four minutes and watch Evan Stark explain this himself.

Please share this with others.

Take care of yourself and each other




If you would like further training to help you understand the complexities of coercive control and domestic abuse, then get in touch with SATEDA by emailing

Sign up to our mailing list to receive monthly emails featuring our latest blog and other news.