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In late 2013, following the birth of my daughter and the simultaneous deterioration of my mother’s health, the darkness within me became unbearable. I remember we had bought an amateur camera to take photos on our family holidays. I started using it to photograph my newborn child. It was healing… the act of connecting with her in a theatre, where both of us were enacting an equally important part. Where I did not have the burden to wield power over her as her provider.
Photography hence, helped me find my inner balance.
So in that sense, my practice is autobiographical in nature. My relationship with photography has been that of identifying my strongest emotions and then finding a correlation… a representation for them in the world.
The shift from photographing an imaginary utopia for the first eight years of my practice to my focus on reality has been a difficult journey. I started out as a family photographer in 2014. I would say I was primarily making images of my curiosities back then. I was curious about what a perfect childhood devoid of abuse, trauma and coercion would look like. So I made images that were almost tyrannical in their depiction of superbness.
I lost my mother in May of 2019. I think losing the fulcrum of my existence in that sense, forced me to address the truth. First, the series “Changing the Conversation” and now “A Thousand Cuts” are as much a dialogue with myself as they are an acts of listening. I believe that the world will become way more complex before it will start to become simple. And my role, as an artist is to offer counter narratives from the margins, so there is greater debate and possibility for paraphrasing narratives of consciousness.
As a South Asian woman myself, I have had a strictly value based upbringing. To endure pain. To decorate my trauma. To consider the needs of others’ before my own. To consider myself complete only once I married. To not focus on being self reliant but to instead spend my entire early life, preparing myself to be dependent on a man whom I shall marry one day… These were only a few of those values instilled in me.
As I embarked on this journey to meet with, engage with and then narrate stories of women who have experienced violence in their lives, I was faced with these value based pillars over and over again.
Recurring in those interactions was “the fear of financial insecurity.” Because our cultural and genetic predisposition never allowed for us to dream of being financially independent, it became the primary barrier when it was time to leave an abusive relationship.
“A thousand Cuts” is the story of that woman’s life. A woman who rose from the ashes, despite enduring a thousand cuts made on her soul and her existence by the bearers of power and control.
And “A Thousand Cuts” is an appeal for a world where survivors of abuse don’t just end up becoming another number on a research paper. A world that truly supports survivors and allows them to talk about their experiences.
The reason for creating this series was to found a safe space for individual narratives and lived experiences of domestic violence survivors to be shared and spoken of freely. Without fear of stigma or judgement. Somewhere within that safe space, I found the road to getting acquainted to my own abuse as well. The abuse that I started witnessing from when I was in my mother’s womb.
From an outsider, I became an insider to this intimate cohort of women.
Through these conversations, each of the participants and myself… we understood our trauma at a deeper level. Between us, we created a vector of faith that helped us locate repeated cultural, social, parental, economic and genetic coercive patterns that gave our individual journeys a certain similitude… a sense of universality, which was both deeply disturbing, yet at the same time liberating in a way for us.
“A Thousand Cuts,” is a collaborative body of work created with the courage and strength of survivors of domestic violence. It is our genuine hope that the world will one day, abandon the conspiracy of silence for a collective future where talking about one’s own abuse is normalised.
This photographic study draws on interviews with 21 South Asian women so far. It is an ongoing project. My intent was to create a metaphorical “waiting room,” where strangers meet and talk to each other without any fear or hierarchies. An imaginary space where conversations around abusive lived experiences continue to happen. Where it is easy to come out. A room where you are heard, seen, understood and where you feel safe to leave your story behind.
We started by creating that room as a real space. A space in a church in Hounslow. Many of us met there, several times over. We held hands and spoke at length. No one interjected the other. No one left the room midway.
From there on, it has been a year almost and the conversations continue. Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I get heard… but we promise to “see” each other. The deepest scar is that of being “unseen” for all of one’s life. To be there somewhere, but never seen, never heard. As a result the voices of survivors of abuse have been erased forever.
“A thousand cuts” is not just a series, it is an ongoing effort to hear the unheard. See the unseen.
What role do you think creativity plays in raising awareness of domestic abuse?