What is domestic abuse?

Emotional / psychological abuse is the most common form of abuse and can cause long-lasting harm for many women. It involves using words or actions to deliberately hurt, frighten, belittle or undermine the victim. 

Some examples of psychological or emotional abuse include:

• Calling you names or belittling you (i.e. your appearance, intelligence or abilities)
• Intentionally threatening or intimidating you to make you feel scared.
• Threatening to take your children away or report you to social services.
• Accusing you of flirting or being unfaithful.
• Blaming you for the abuse or calling you abusive (i.e. twisting the story)
• Controlling what you eat.
• Gaslighting – making you question your memory or feelings.
• Displaying controlling behaviours to limit your freedom (coercive control).

Emotional abuse is domestic abuse.

Coercive control is a form of emotional abuse. It is a pattern of behaviour in which the perpetrator gradually and often subtly insults, shames, judges, controls and humiliates you as the relationship evolves. It creates dependency and fear without necessarily involving physical violence.

It can be as subtle as a certain look, or teeth grinding to warn you to “stay in line”, sarcasm, dismissing or judging your feelings and instead telling you what you feel.

This might come hand in hand with “love bombing” at the beginning of the relationship and expressions of remorse (which provide hope) but no changes in the abusive behaviour from the perpetrator.

Coercive control results in you feeling uncomfortable, confused, anxious, doubtful, scared and disempowered because you internalise the emotional abuse as your own feelings and are made to believe that you’re to blame for your abusive partner’s behaviour. It can also lead to you having nightmares, increased heart rate, difficulty concentrating and social withdrawal.

Coercive control is domestic abuse.

• Under the Serious Crime Act 2015, coercive and controlling behaviour is a criminal offence in England.

Physical abuse involves any form of violence or force. It may begin as occasional violence but often gradually increases into frequent and serious acts of violence.

The abuser may use hitting, slapping, choking, or other violent acts to control, intimidate, or hurt you. This pattern of abuse can lead to serious injury, trauma, or even death.

Physical violence is never justified, and we will help and support you.

If you are in danger, please call 999.

Physical abuse is domestic abuse.

Sexual abuse is any sexual contact that is unwanted or occurs when unable to give consent, forced by the perpetrator. Consent must be given freely and actively by all parties involved.

Many women who experience other forms of domestic abuse also suffer sexual abuse.

If you feel punished for not engaging in sexual acts, or if sex is the only way you receive affection from your partner, this is sexual abuse. If you feel forced to have sex as a form of punishment, it is sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is domestic abuse.

• Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, marital rape and sexual assault are criminal offence in England.

Digital abuse can take many forms and has become increasingly common in the age of smartphones and smart homes, whereby technology is used by an abusive partner to harass, stalk, bully and intimidate their victim.

If your partner tells you who you can and can’t be friends with online or what pictures you can and can’t upload to your social media, it’s digital abuse. If your partner insists that you share your passwords despite you not feeling comfortable doing so, it is digital abuse. If your partner puts you down, threatens you or blackmails you on social media, or constantly messages you and makes you feel bad for not responding straight away then it’s digital abuse.

If your partner uses spyware on your phone and laptop or puts a GPS tracker on your car to follow your movements, it is digital abuse. If your partner shares intimate photos or videos of you without your consent to cause you distress (revenge porn), it’s digital abuse. If your partner looks through your phone frequently to check your calls, messages, internet search history and pictures, it is digital abuse.

Digital abuse is domestic abuse.

If you are worried about tech abuse, change your passwords, and speak to a member of our team for advice on a safety plan. 

Find out more about how to cover your tracks online here.

Look through Refuge’s useful resource on how to break up digitally.

Visit SafeLive’s guide to Staying Safe Online. 

• Under the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015, revenge porn is a criminal offence in England.

• Under the 1998 Malicious Communications Act, social media bullying is a criminal offence in England.

• Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, economic abuse is a criminal offence in England.

There are 4 (F.O.U.R) signs to stalking and harassing behaviour: it is fixated, obsessive, unwanted and repeated, and the most common perpetrators of stalking are ex-partners.

If your ex-partner sends you unwanted gifts or bombards you with unwanted, threatening messages and phone calls, it’s stalking and harassment. If your (ex-)partner follows you home or shows up at your place of work, it’s stalking and harassment. If your ex partner sends you unwanted social media friend requests from lots of new different accounts, it’s stalking & harassment.

Stalking is distressing to experience and often has a huge emotional impact on you. Depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance, paranoia. Agoraphobia and post-traumatic stress disorder are all common side effects of stalking.

Stalking & harassment is domestic abuse.

• Under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, stalking and harassment are criminal offences in England

Verbal abuse is a type of emotional abuse which also forms part of coercive control. It’s when an abusive partner uses language to intimidate, gaslight, manipulate, assault, scare, ridicule, dominate and degrade you, which makes you lose confidence and self-esteem, among other negative impacts on your wellbeing.

If your partner threatens or harrasses you in private or in public, it is verbal abuse. If your partner insults you, name-calls you or shouts at you, then makes you feel bad for being “too sensitive” or “unable to take a joke”, it is verbal abuse. If you’re scared of being out in public with your partner because you worry about what they might say in front of others, it is verbal abuse. If your partner puts you down by dismissing or insulting what you think, want, do, wear or say, then it is verbal abuse. If your partner gaslights you with words by trying to make you feel like he is the victim and you are the abuser, it is verbal abuse. If your partner constantly interrupts or corrects you when you’re speaking, it’s verbal abuse. If your partner gives you prolonged silent treatment — also known as stonewalling — it is verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse is domestic abuse.

• Under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, and Malicious Communications Act 1998, several types of verbal abuse are criminal offences in England.

A forced marriage is when you are pressured (physically, emotionally or psychologically) to marry someone against your will. This pressure usually comes from family members and can happen to anyone from any background or nationality

In the UK, it is illegal to force someone into marriage. This includes:

• taking someone abroad to force them to marry (even if the forced marriage doesn’t take place)
• marrying someone who can’t consent to the marriage

You have the right to choose who you marry, when you marry or whether you want to get married or not.

This is different from an arranged marriage, where both parties have the freedom to accept or refuse the proposal. Forced marriage is a form of domestic abuse, and abusers (often family members) may use various tactics to enforce their will.

Forced marriage is often linked to honour-based abuse but, this isn’t always the case.

A crime or incident committed to allegedly defend the “honour” of a family or community.

This involves family members or your community punishing you if they believe that you have bought shame onto them.

They may:

• Restrict your movements, telling you where you can and can’t go.
• Force you to marry someone of the opposite sex if you are gay.
• Pressures you to move abroad.
• Pressures you to have an abortion due to unmarried pregnancy.
• Denies you access to your passport or other important documents that belong to you.

Some members of the LGBTQ community can also face harassment and abuse from family members when they come out as gay or let people know that they are trans.

The partial or complete removal of the external female genitalia for non-medical reasons.

FGM has no health benefits and can lead to long-term complications such as infections, infertility, and complications during childbirth.

It reflects deep-rooted inequality between the sexes and constitutes an extreme form of discrimination against girls and women.

It is illegal in many countries, including the UK, and is widely recognised as a violation of human rights.