We have spent the last few months looking at the various personas an abusive partner uses to maintain power and control over their victim. It might have been a bit of a depressing read. The good news is, this week we are looking at a more positive topic: Mr Right. It goes without saying whilst the majority of abusers are men, it does not mean the majority of men are abusers. The mark of a Mr Right is his intentions towards you are good, they see you as an equal and they do their best to sacrificially love you. Nobody is without flaws. Nobody will be the perfect partner 24-7, but the difference between a Mr Right and a Dominator is when they get something wrong or when they upset you, they will accept their portion of blame and be genuinely sorry. So whilst there are no ‘Mr Perfects’ out there, there are lots of ‘Mr Rights’.
Here is a list of the personas that you should look for when deciding if someone is your Mr Right:
The Friend (not Bully)
This person talks and listens to you. He is a companion and is fun to be with. He has a sense of humour, is cheerful and good company.
The Lover (not Sexual Controller)
This person is happy to show you physical affection without assuming it will lead to sex. He accepts your right to say no to sex and shares responsibility for contraception. He wants to make sex a nice experience for you.
The Liberator (not Jailer)
This person welcomes your family and friends and supports your relationships with them. He encourages you to have hobbies and interests. He encourages you in your work or education and wants you to be able to reach your goals and develop your skills.
The Confidence Booster (not Headworker)
This person tells you nice and complimentary things about yourself. He values your opinions and supports your ambitions. He says you are competent and good at things. He values you for who you are.
The Negotiator (not Persuader)
This person takes responsibility for his own well-being and happiness. He is reasonable. He takes your needs into consideration when discussing decision making.
The Truth Teller (not Liar)
This person admits to being wrong. He accepts responsibility. He tells the truth!
The Good Father (not Bad Father)
This person is a responsible and equal parent. He supports your parenting and disciplining with the children.
The Partner (not King of the Castle)
This person does his share of housework. He shares financial responsibility and access to money. He treats you as an equal.
If you’ve spent most of your life only being exposed to men who act as the Dominator, you might (understandably) think the list above is unrealistic and that someone couldn’t possibly be all of those things. Well, I know many men who are all of those things. It doesn’t mean they are perfect, that they never get anything wrong, or they never argue with their partners, but it does mean they believe their partner is someone with high value and is someone they want to make you happy. They do their best to live up to this and admit when they fall short.
Love isn’t destructive, it is creative. If you’re in a relationship or considering being in one with someone then ask yourself if they are a destructive or creative influence in your life. If they destroy your confidence, relationships, possessions, hopes for the future and self esteem then they aren’t a Mr Right. But if they create confidence in you, if they support you to build relationships with people, if they enable you to have opportunities, if they inspire hope in you and if they help you be the best version of the person you were created to be then you could have met Mr Right. Don’t settle for anything less.